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Thursday, July 31, 2008

Taming Of The Shrew

Lately, I have spent far too much time, some would say wasting my time, indulging in one of my favorite past times - checking out the goings on in Hollywood. Call it yet another guilty pleasure. There is always something going on. Somehow, whatever is going on in my world seems mundane compared to what is covered by the entertainment media.

Click after click reveals story after story of the arrival of yet another perfect Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie offspring or two. Somebody’s gotten engaged. A little gossip here, a snip of a newsreel there. Somebody’s gotten un-engaged. The sheer abundance of “information” at my fingertips is amazing! However, one little nugget of “news” of late crossed my screen and I have to admit, I was horrified.

Ugh! I wanted to shield my eyes. I wanted to shield the dog’s eyes.

These days another Hollywood divorce is not anything new, a sad commentary on the state of things, but there it is. But this one was unique, the divorce du jour between Christie Brinkley from her now off-husband Peter Cook. Stories of he said/she said, he did/she did, improper behavior and the like. All accusations held in open court for the entire world, and for her children, to see.

What truly troubled me was that the decision to open the divorce proceedings to the media was a choice that had been made over the objection of counsel. Now, don’t get me wrong, I completely understand wanting revenge for public embarrassment and humiliation. I understand wanting to make him or her pay for the humiliation. I am sure that there is more than one woman or man out there who would like to “stick it to the bum” and hurt the other the way you have been hurt.

For her part in the debacle, Ms. Brinkley has been called a shrew. Pain displays her ugly little face in many ways. Some, present company included, may wonder what it was that drove Ms. Brinkley to demand her divorce proceedings opened to the media. How very hard it must be to come up to that line, that very thin line between love and hate, then stop, turn and walk away. Who is to say that if it were us, that we would not do the same? Though I don’t advise parading of your personal business before the entire world, I can understand the pain that had to be at the center of this tragedy.

It is too easy to shake our fingers at her and say, “You shouldn’t have.” Sometimes, when we are in the heat of the battle, we would sooner give the offender a one-way ticket to the hot spot before choosing to take the high road.

But, one or two bad decisions does not a shrew make. How we deal with it does. I guess what I am getting at is dignity. Dignity is a major weapon in our arsenal as Mid Life Divas making our journey through Mid Life Divadom.

Somebody do you wrong? I’m not saying just sit aside and look all tired and pathetic. Nor am I advising airing all of your dirty laundry and then some. Nor am I saying go completely left and unload with a verbal shotgun of insults, complaints and putdowns, Bonnie and Clyde style: “I’ll show you a thing or two!”

All I’m saying is that as Mid Life Divas, we have to hold on to the one thing that makes us the women we want to be, the person we’re proud to be when the lights go down. The authentic, genuine woman who, in the bright light of day, is the person we respect most of all.

Tame the Shrew who wants to beat this person senseless, whether it is physically – I believe that’s still called battery – emotionally or publicly.

Tame the Shrew with a little dignity. Think about the children. Think about ourselves. I know that what others say about you is not the main concern as you make your journey. But, what do you say about yourself when the lights go out and everything is quiet? Or when the “press” goes home and you’re all alone?

What can we say about ourselves when we see our reflections in the eyes of our children? Or in the eyes of the mothers who raised us? Can we honestly say that we’ve done the best that we could? Your reflection of you – your dignity – is you at your best. Our response says more about “us” than it says about “them”.

Don’t give it up, girl, not for anybody. Not to win. And certainly not to prove how bad, indecent or immoral the offending party is. I know we’ve heard it all before, but they will get theirs. Just don’t let it be at the expense of you losing yours.

That’s all I wanted to say.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Pride and the "B" Word" (Column Excerpt)

I just want to apologize beforehand, as this column may not be as funny or as humorous as some that have been written, it’s just that I was struck by something during one of the few opportunities when I am actually able to sit still and watch daytime television programming.
I was watching “The View” recently – one of the few days that I have had off for some “just for me” time. Today’s guests were Dina and Ali Lohan, mother and sister of the publicity-embattled actress Lindsay Lohan and stars of the new reality show “Living Lohan”.
Apparently Ms. Lohan had been receiving a lot of flack and had been portrayed as an overbearing publicity seeking, spotlight hogging stage mother for the way she has at-tempted to shield her children from the brutal glare of the publicity that comes with star-dom. Her method of refuting her bad press - put it all out there within the public forum of a “reality” television show and refusing to allow access to her young brood.
For this, I am sure that Ms. Lohan has been “graced” with a great big scarlet “B” from one individual, photographer or another whose toes she may have stepped on. But what stuck in my mind long after the segment was done and after the show had gone to a commercial break was the statement that Ms. Lohan made during the clip, that “a lioness protects her cubs.” That got me thinking.
No doubt the “B” word and Ms. Lohan have been and will continue to be linked now and in the future as she has a younger daughter who is determined to become an ac-tress and singer like her famous sibling.
She will no doubt continue to have run-ins with those who will perhaps want to exploit her children and she will have many more opportunities to earn the “B” title. Ms. Lohan is the obstacle that stands between their story/photo-op and her children. Hence therefore the label.
Ms. Lohan describes herself as the lioness protecting her cubs. I certainly can un-derstand this, while some may not like the way she handles her business and though I may not agree with everything that she says or does, I can understand her motives. The lioness is the protector, the provider, and the caretaker of her pride. She is built for strength, not for speed. She guards her territory and hunts for the pride, traveling some-times five miles or more daily to provide for the needs of her pride.
She allows no strange animals to hunt her territory, ignore her warnings at your peril. The lioness rarely attacks unless she is tormented, injured or something threatens her young. She shelters her blind, helpless newborns, sometimes even against their own fathers. And only when the cub is able to hunt for and protect herself does the lioness let her go.
Ms. Lohan is going to be around for a long time, the lioness protecting her cubs no matter who approves of her methods.
Mid life Divas no doubt may encounter equally as many opportunities to earn the “B” label as we move through the next stages of our lives. It is difficult to be strong, con-fident and fearless without raising a few eyebrows or ruffling a few feathers. So be it.
We protect our prides to the death, letting our young go free only when they are ready. We are not necessarily concerned about the attitudes of others as they wonder what on earth we think we are doing with the choices that we will make with regards to our futures and how we want to live the remainder of our lives.
Not everything that we will do or attempt to do as we move through midlife is go-ing to meet the approval of friends, family or society. Change, as difficult as it is for us, is just as difficult and perhaps even confusing for others as they feel uncomfortable with the women that we are becoming. Unfortunately strong women with strong opinions and strong wills may often find themselves bearing the “B” label.
With all of that being said, it is important that Mid Life Divas protect not only their own pride, but also the entire pride of women and not indulge in the labeling of other lionesses.
Refuse to use the “B” word for any reason. This single word lays to waste the ef-forts of many strong women - past and present. How far would we be today if women of generations past had not dared to buck the status quo, perhaps earning the “B” label for themselves?
Strength and tenacity in a woman does not a “B” make.
We may not agree with the methods of others and how the other protects her own and stands up for her own. But we must protect the pride as a whole. Work together as a whole to provide for the whole. And defend the pride to the death.
Got a story or comment about your challenges as you move through Mid Life Di-vadom? Share it with us! Visit our blog http://musingsofamidlifediva.blogspot.com.
Or email me at tlunnethomas@kc.rr.com. Join in the fray! Tell us what gives your life flavor. What makes you feel alive, want to stand up and dance? We want to hear it, your stories, and your ideas. Stop by to visit, stay awhile and dish!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Sweet, Sweet Summertime (Column Excerpt)

“In the summertime, when the weather is high,
You can stretch right up, an' touch the sky,
When the weather's fine, you got women, you got women on your mind…”


When I was a younger diva the opening strands of this one hit wonder by the early 1970s pop group Mungo Jerry always put me in the mood for summer. I was barely six years old when it was released and never understood the lyrics of the song but for each summer as far back as I can remember, this little ditty set the stage for long golden days of playing, hanging out and doing nothing.

I know that I say a major part of the journey through Mid Life Divadom is moving forward and not looking back on the way things could have or should have been but there is something about the golden days of summer that make me look back with fond memories of the days of girlhood.

When summer time was more about going outside playing from daybreak to sunset without a care in the world and less about worrying, dieting, cajoling and begging my midlife body to slip herself into any semblance of a swimsuit.

Summer was more about hanging out with girlfriends, eating popsicles, not caring what insects were swarming nearby and less about watching that clock on a Friday afternoon while coworkers swarm nearby, their minds already full of the activities they will participate in the minute that clock hits 5:00 (ok, 4:55 on Fridays!)

I remember “chicken walking” high-stepping on the hot sidewalks with bare feet, running out to talk to girlfriends in the hot glare of the sun until our mother’s shooed us inside because of news reports that some kid had been hospitalized with heat stroke.

Flirting with the older boys from “the other block”, not because they were cute, but simply because they were boys.

Riding my bicycle fearlessly with no hands on the handlebars, much to the dismay of my mother. Learning from my brothers how to pop the perfect wheelie on my bicycle, something other girls in my neighborhood never learned – or maybe never wanted to learn – to do.

Sneaking inside to listen and dance to the “forbidden rock music” on the radio the second my mom left the house for a church meeting. Or sneaking away with my bag of books borrowed from the library to sit and read action novels in my solitary hideout under the neighbor’s manicured forsythia bush.

Pretending to camp outside in the neighbor girl’s tent until her one-eyed cat Cricket decided to jump against the side of the tent in his manic quest to “get the bug”. I never did find out why that cat had one eye…

Playing outside until I smelled like the outside. Trying to sit still as my mother brushed then washed sticks and whatever else from my hair before bed. Drifting off to sleep at night, cotton sheets thrown off, windows open, with the old box fan whining and groaning in the background.

Days stretching on forever as we simply lived. I know it is cliché, but all good things come to an end. Summers eventually stretched into real life with the start of school in the fall, and then into grown up life.

Life was simple then, there was no need for so many bells and whistles. Summers were simply about uncomplicated, unfettered joy.

As I continue on my Mid Life Diva journey, I find myself longing to recapture this joy. Not my youth – heaven’s no! Once on that ride is more than enough! I look for ways to be able to tuck joy-full moments into the corners of my everyday life.

I have a good friend who seems to have harnessed the knack of capturing pure joy. Believe it or not, she accomplishes this feeling simply by enjoying a good meal. Upon receiving her meal, my girlfriend takes off her glasses and slips her feet out of her sandals. With the first mouthful, she closes her eyes, savoring every bite. She is in Nirvana. When I asked why on earth she removes her glasses and her shoes when she is eating, her reply was simple. “I just want to twinkle my toes.” Nirvana, for my friend, is simply twinkling her toes.

I think that what is in order is a summer break for Mid Life Divas. Too many of us no longer find pleasure in our routines of jobs, kids, parents and everything else that makes up a life.

My proposed summer breaks would include the following: go outside, away from the television, the telephone, even for a few minutes.

Enjoy a Popsicle, even if you have to fend off a few bugs. Twinkle your toes in the freshly cut grass. Give yourself permission to rest. Let go of the caretaker role – if only for a minute or two. Find yourself a figurative forsythia bush to sit under, hide there whenever you need some quiet time, and calm your nerves. Break away; develop summer rituals that celebrate you.

Indulge in the things that make your happy, beauty, love, peace, sunsets, music. Reclaim the things that bring you joy. Move joyfully, if you feel like dancing, skipping, singing – do it. 
Whose business is it really? Don’t wait for someone else to give you what you need. You are everything you need right now.

Remember these golden Mid Life Diva days as some of the most joy-full so far. Sit back, regroup, rethink. And don’t forget to twinkle your toes.

Mid Life Divas, how are you “twinkling your toes” this summer? How are you being kinder to yourself? Got a comment about the column or just want to share some words wisdom with other Mid Life Divas? Share it with us! Tell us what you want to talk about in future columns.

Monday, July 21, 2008

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Mid Life (Column Excerpt)

“Ow!” The truth hit me like a load of bricks. OK, so it wasn’t as painful as a brick; rather it felt more like a thump on the head. I looked around to see if anyone else had noticed my strange behavior.

It was my forty-third birthday and I decided to celebrate by taking a vacation day. Today I would do only the things that I wanted to do, I would go where I wanted, and eat what I wanted – within reason, of course. Tomorrow, this Diva would have to rejoin the rest of the world, right?

Today was my “Just Say No to Everything but Me” day.

The day could not have been more perfect had I planned it, the traffic lights were in my favor; the radio was playing my favorite tunes. The Teenage Wonder also known as Son was not there to give me the dirty look because I was embarrassing him so I rolled down my window, singing out loud.

Not feeling that I could totally rebel, I’d decided against the ice cream on a cone that I really wanted in favor of a trip to the salad bar instead. I stopped at a stop sign in the grocery store parking lot.

Standing at the curb of the crosswalk was a slim, pretty young girl in her early teens. Her hair was long and straight and she wore braces. She looked plain miserable standing with the woman I assumed to be her mother. That was when I heard her sharply reprimanding the girl. 

“For God’s sake, Abby! Please don’t slouch!” Stepping off of the curb, the lecture continued all of the way to their car. I shook my head, feeling sorry for Abby.

I remember my young Abby days, going out into the world, society itself a “mother” reprimanding me to do what’s right and do what is expected. Don’t buck the trend and whatever you do, don’t make waves.

I chased my “happily ever after” – dream job, handsome prince, 2.5 children playing fetch with the dog in yard while my prince told me how wonderful I was. You know the fairy tale. He was no prince, we divorced and the fairy tale ended there. I was faced with raising our only child on my own. But as I said before, a funny thing happened on the way to Mid Life. Life happened. In spite of myself, I became A GROWN UP!

I had to recover my strength; I had a young child staring into my terrified face everyday depending on me. We didn’t know any better. I changed gears to discover the things that truly gave my life flavor. I could demand more. I was making peace with myself. Taking charge of me.
A new calm took over as I pushed the Teenage Wonder through the teenage jungle until finally we could see the light at the end of the tunnel and knew that it wasn’t the train this time.

This journey felt like a new pair of shoes – awkward, tight, snug, uncomfortable but feeling better and more comfortable the more I wore them. And there was one unexpected benefit, I found that it really didn’t matter much what someone else thought about it. What a revelation!
Free at last free to be me! Understanding who I’m in my world and seeing everything for the first time.

Mid Life Divas, we are embarking on an extraordinary journey, we are going to see some things, do some things, and make our lives work for us! You may hear others say, "She's got an attitude". My position on this "change back" message is to agree - yes agree! Of course, you do! You will no longer view yourself in the same way as you hack your way through the deep underbrush of overgrown attitudes and views that no longer fit you. Consequently, you will no longer be able to view others the same way either.

I had a revelation. The shoes of my journey finally fit! I was over forty, for Pete’s sake! I no longer had to twist myself into someone else’s ideal and had grown quite comfortable in my own skin. That was when I had the thump on my head.

The truth was that I no longer had to fit into the mold that someone else chose for me. How glad I was to no longer have to shoulder the burden of youth and the quest to be the best, the brightest, the prettiest everything.

This Life Diva was ready to go out and shake her tail feathers! I laughed out loud, not caring if anyone else heard me, wanting to get out of my car and skip around the parking lot, very un-Diva like behavior I’m sure, but there you have it.

I flicked on my turn signal and drove myself to the fast food restaurant I’d passed minutes ago and treated myself to a chocolate-vanilla swirl ice cream cone.

In honor of Abby.

Hey all of you out there! We’re Mid Life Divas; we can do what we want. And I want your stories about how you’re doing it. Have a story about your own journey over and through this strange new terrain? Share it with us. Join the fray!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Serious Goings On With Mid Life Divas

Good morning Mid Life Divas!  I've been thinking all week about how I wanted to write to you about the upcoming changes for the Musings Blog.  I thought about writing something deep and prolific, but then I realized, I wanted to build lasting relationships with other MLDs.  Can hardly do that if you know nothing about me, right? So, I thought it might be fun to share some info about me and I hope that you will share back some things about you. I know that I am looking forward to many more conversations as we make this crazy, fantastic and sometimes just plain strange journey through mid life. 

I am mother to the Teenage Wonder also known as Son, daughter to a phenomenal woman, sister to three lifelong divas and two totally cool brothers. I have a "council" of many friends to whom I refer to as my family - family is who you choose to graft into your life, not only with whom you share a genetic bond. 

I am the eldest of six and I never let them forget it! I am "rhythmically challenged", meaning I could not dance my way of out a paper bag and I seem to be allergic to just about everything anymore!  My list could go on and on.

I write a column, Musings of a Mid Life Diva, which I am hoping to syndicate in the near future and am currently working on the book "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Mid Life", based on conversations from the blog and the column, with future plans of producing a docudrama about the lives of Mid Life Divas in America.

I am discovering that becoming a Mid Life Diva is not some ethnic thing, it's a woman thing. A woman totally in charge of herself and not afraid to live out loud. Black, white, yellow, brown, we owe it to ourselves and those we love to be and expect the best that we can be. This column and blog is something totally different, something fun. Come out and play with us! We are going to shake our tail feathers. Maybe we will act up and act out, but most of all, we will be free to be and to become the Divas that we were born to be. And we are going to talk about it, laugh about it, we may even cry about it.

Write in and tell the rest of us how you do it, make yourself heard. Maybe you have something for the rest of us.

We're Mid Life Divas, we can do what we want. And I want your stories about how you're doing it. Have a story about your journey over and through this strange new terrain? Share it with us! Join the fray!