You Have The Right To Remain Silent, But Why Should You?

Tis the season – to debate, that is. You cannot miss it; all of the signs are in the air, and on the lawns. It is here again, an election year. Airwaves filled with promises of “I will do” and accusations of “he didn’t do.” Hence, because of all of the televised haggling and finger pointing, I find myself spending more of my time during this season online – well, that’s my story and I am sticking to it.

Recently, I signed onto a new – at least to me – social networking site appropriately called Twitter. This site allows you to send and read the updates of others, or send “tweets” out to your “circle of friends”, to which you can add people to follow and others can follow you.

On this particular evening, the Twitter halls were reverberating with “tweets” about the Presidential Debate. Noticing more than a few tweets with whom I am familiar, I jumped headlong into the fast and furious debate. It is a free country, right? Everyone is free to agree or disagree…

As the televised debate progressed, although not as quickly as the debate on Twitter, I noticed out the corner of my eye, the number of my “followers” decreasing by one.

What? I was puzzled, maybe I had misread the number of followers I had previously. On the debate continued. Then I noticed it again. Again, one of my followers had fallen off. I was down by two!

What was going on? What did I say? Had I unknowingly offended one of my followers? Had I tweeted something untoward? Had I made some joke or offhand comment that could have been taken the wrong way? What happened?

No, little tweet; don’t go away! I’m sorry, I did not mean what I said, whatever it was that I said.

Wait a minute! I had to get a hold of myself. What was I doing? Apologizing for voicing my concerns, my thoughts, and my views? In the land of the free and the home of the brave, was I allowing myself to be penalized for speaking my piece? Was I willing to muzzle my voice for the sake of … who? Who were these people who had abandoned me the minute I dared to speak my mind?

You do have the right to remain silent, but why should you? Had this happened 10 or 20years ago, I would have handled the slight differently. This online rejection would have caused the younger diva in me to stew for weeks about the online snub. Now, at this stage, this stuff just rolls off my back. My sense of obligation to go along to get along has run its course.

This is a great big world as we forge new relationships online and have more exposure to others and their values. You will make some friends, you may make some enemies. This is the time in your life where you are unafraid to speak your mind. Fearless enough to say what it is that you want and confidant enough to say what you will no longer put up with or tolerate. No more going along to get along.

I am realizing that there will be times in this journey when my point of view, my way of thinking, doing or being may not be popular and may not line up with the status quo – how things used to be or how others thought they knew me to be.

And, yes, I may lose some “followers”. But the ones that remain – my true “tweets” will be the genuine, authentic items as will yours as you progress through Mid Life Divadom.

People who are true to you, accepting of you and your foibles, whether they agree or not. That is what it is all about at this stage - genuine, authentic relationships, not fair weather friends or followers who will stick with you as long as you behave, think, or act “as you should”. You will lose followers going your own way. So be it.

An interesting note though, on the same evening that I lost two followers, I gained fifteen. What does that say?

Sweet, Sweet Summertime (Column Excerpt)

“In the summertime, when the weather is high,
You can stretch right up, an' touch the sky,
When the weather's fine, you got women, you got women on your mind…”

When I was a younger diva the opening strands of this one hit wonder by the early 1970s pop group Mungo Jerry always put me in the mood for summer. I was barely six years old when it was released and never understood the lyrics of the song but for each summer as far back as I can remember, this little ditty set the stage for long golden days of playing, hanging out and doing nothing.

I know that I say a major part of the journey through Mid Life Divadom is moving forward and not looking back on the way things could have or should have been but there is something about the golden days of summer that make me look back with fond memories of the days of girlhood.

When summer time was more about going outside playing from daybreak to sunset without a care in the world and less about worrying, dieting, cajoling and begging my midlife body to slip herself into any semblance of a swimsuit.

Summer was more about hanging out with girlfriends, eating popsicles, not caring what insects were swarming nearby and less about watching that clock on a Friday afternoon while coworkers swarm nearby, their minds already full of the activities they will participate in the minute that clock hits 5:00 (ok, 4:55 on Fridays!)

I remember “chicken walking” high-stepping on the hot sidewalks with bare feet, running out to talk to girlfriends in the hot glare of the sun until our mother’s shooed us inside because of news reports that some kid had been hospitalized with heat stroke.

Flirting with the older boys from “the other block”, not because they were cute, but simply because they were boys.

Riding my bicycle fearlessly with no hands on the handlebars, much to the dismay of my mother. Learning from my brothers how to pop the perfect wheelie on my bicycle, something other girls in my neighborhood never learned – or maybe never wanted to learn – to do.

Sneaking inside to listen and dance to the “forbidden rock music” on the radio the second my mom left the house for a church meeting. Or sneaking away with my bag of books borrowed from the library to sit and read action novels in my solitary hideout under the neighbor’s manicured forsythia bush.

Pretending to camp outside in the neighbor girl’s tent until her one-eyed cat Cricket decided to jump against the side of the tent in his manic quest to “get the bug”. I never did find out why that cat had one eye…

Playing outside until I smelled like the outside. Trying to sit still as my mother brushed then washed sticks and whatever else from my hair before bed. Drifting off to sleep at night, cotton sheets thrown off, windows open, with the old box fan whining and groaning in the background.

Days stretching on forever as we simply lived. I know it is cliché, but all good things come to an end. Summers eventually stretched into real life with the start of school in the fall, and then into grown up life.

Life was simple then, there was no need for so many bells and whistles. Summers were simply about uncomplicated, unfettered joy.

As I continue on my Mid Life Diva journey, I find myself longing to recapture this joy. Not my youth – heaven’s no! Once on that ride is more than enough! I look for ways to be able to tuck joy-full moments into the corners of my everyday life.

I have a good friend who seems to have harnessed the knack of capturing pure joy. Believe it or not, she accomplishes this feeling simply by enjoying a good meal. Upon receiving her meal, my girlfriend takes off her glasses and slips her feet out of her sandals. With the first mouthful, she closes her eyes, savoring every bite. She is in Nirvana. When I asked why on earth she removes her glasses and her shoes when she is eating, her reply was simple. “I just want to twinkle my toes.” Nirvana, for my friend, is simply twinkling her toes.

I think that what is in order is a summer break for Mid Life Divas. Too many of us no longer find pleasure in our routines of jobs, kids, parents and everything else that makes up a life.

My proposed summer breaks would include the following: go outside, away from the television, the telephone, even for a few minutes.

Enjoy a Popsicle, even if you have to fend off a few bugs. Twinkle your toes in the freshly cut grass. Give yourself permission to rest. Let go of the caretaker role – if only for a minute or two. Find yourself a figurative forsythia bush to sit under, hide there whenever you need some quiet time, and calm your nerves. Break away; develop summer rituals that celebrate you.

Indulge in the things that make your happy, beauty, love, peace, sunsets, music. Reclaim the things that bring you joy. Move joyfully, if you feel like dancing, skipping, singing – do it. 

Whose business is it really? Don’t wait for someone else to give you what you need. You are everything you need right now.

Remember these golden Mid Life Diva days as some of the most joy-full so far. Sit back, regroup, rethink. And don’t forget to twinkle your toes.

Mid Life Divas, how are you “twinkling your toes” this summer? How are you being kinder to yourself? Got a comment about the column or just want to share some words wisdom with other Mid Life Divas? Share it with us! Tell us what you want to talk about in future columns.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Mid Life (Column Excerpt)

“Ow!” The truth hit me like a load of bricks. OK, so it wasn’t as painful as a brick; rather it felt more like a thump on the head. I looked around to see if anyone else had noticed my strange behavior.

It was my forty-third birthday and I decided to celebrate by taking a vacation day. Today I would do only the things that I wanted to do, I would go where I wanted, and eat what I wanted – within reason, of course. Tomorrow, this Diva would have to rejoin the rest of the world, right?

Today was my “Just Say No to Everything but Me” day.

The day could not have been more perfect had I planned it, the traffic lights were in my favor; the radio was playing my favorite tunes. The Teenage Wonder also known as Son was not there to give me the dirty look because I was embarrassing him so I rolled down my window, singing out loud.

Not feeling that I could totally rebel, I’d decided against the ice cream on a cone that I really wanted in favor of a trip to the salad bar instead. I stopped at a stop sign in the grocery store parking lot.

Standing at the curb of the crosswalk was a slim, pretty young girl in her early teens. Her hair was long and straight and she wore braces. She looked plain miserable standing with the woman I assumed to be her mother. That was when I heard her sharply reprimanding the girl. 

“For God’s sake, Abby! Please don’t slouch!” Stepping off of the curb, the lecture continued all of the way to their car. I shook my head, feeling sorry for Abby.

I remember my young Abby days, going out into the world, society itself a “mother” reprimanding me to do what’s right and do what is expected. Don’t buck the trend and whatever you do, don’t make waves.

I chased my “happily ever after” – dream job, handsome prince, 2.5 children playing fetch with the dog in yard while my prince told me how wonderful I was. You know the fairy tale. He was no prince, we divorced and the fairy tale ended there. I was faced with raising our only child on my own. But as I said before, a funny thing happened on the way to Mid Life. Life happened. In spite of myself, I became A GROWN UP!

I had to recover my strength; I had a young child staring into my terrified face everyday depending on me. We didn’t know any better. I changed gears to discover the things that truly gave my life flavor. I could demand more. I was making peace with myself. Taking charge of me.
A new calm took over as I pushed the Teenage Wonder through the teenage jungle until finally we could see the light at the end of the tunnel and knew that it wasn’t the train this time.

This journey felt like a new pair of shoes – awkward, tight, snug, uncomfortable but feeling better and more comfortable the more I wore them. And there was one unexpected benefit, I found that it really didn’t matter much what someone else thought about it. What a revelation!
Free at last free to be me! Understanding who I’m in my world and seeing everything for the first time.

Mid Life Divas, we are embarking on an extraordinary journey, we are going to see some things, do some things, and make our lives work for us! You may hear others say, "She's got an attitude". My position on this "change back" message is to agree - yes agree! Of course, you do! You will no longer view yourself in the same way as you hack your way through the deep underbrush of overgrown attitudes and views that no longer fit you. Consequently, you will no longer be able to view others the same way either.

I had a revelation. The shoes of my journey finally fit! I was over forty, for Pete’s sake! I no longer had to twist myself into someone else’s ideal and had grown quite comfortable in my own skin. That was when I had the thump on my head.

The truth was that I no longer had to fit into the mold that someone else chose for me. How glad I was to no longer have to shoulder the burden of youth and the quest to be the best, the brightest, the prettiest everything.

This Life Diva was ready to go out and shake her tail feathers! I laughed out loud, not caring if anyone else heard me, wanting to get out of my car and skip around the parking lot, very un-Diva like behavior I’m sure, but there you have it.

I flicked on my turn signal and drove myself to the fast food restaurant I’d passed minutes ago and treated myself to a chocolate-vanilla swirl ice cream cone.

In honor of Abby.

Hey all of you out there! We’re Mid Life Divas; we can do what we want. And I want your stories about how you’re doing it. Have a story about your own journey over and through this strange new terrain? Share it with us. Join the fray!